The Lord of the Thing
by tuxiedog2
Summary: Lord of the Rings parody. Rated PG only for lots of horse poo! Afrodo, Spam, Mary, Poppins, Dandruff, and more! Will Afrodo be able to destroy the Thing and find the love of his dreams? Funny!!! (at least to me!)
1. Welcome to Sloppy Joe's

Lord of the Thing  
Nobody quite knows what it is...  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"Welcome to Sloppy Joe's"  
  
Nobody knew exactly what it was. Some claimed it was a rock, others a rare gem. Still others thought that it was a spice, or just a plain ol' clump of dirt. It was round like a circle, yet squarish, too. It was a shade of reddish-green and was about two inches long. The one thing everyone did know was that Bobo Buthead found it under the french fry machine in his restaurant one day. He claimed that it was his secret ingredient to all of his foods.  
"Just chip off a grain of this and put it in whatever you're making, and you'll have customers lining up for miles!" he would tell whoever would listen. And he wasn't completely wrong, either: Bobo's fast food restaurant, Sloppy Joe's, was rated the best in Potatoville.  
Bobo's head fry-cook was his nephew, Afrodo. ("Afrodo" isn't pronounced "uh-frodo" but rather "afro-dough." And this name really fits him: he's got a lot of hair, although maybe not enough to qualify as an afro.) Afrodo was in charge of other fry-cooks, including his friends Mary and Poppins. Contrary to popular belief, these two were not girls but just had bizarre names. (But who in this story doesn't?)  
Our story begins on a sunny day in April. The birds were chirping, the flowers were blooming, and bunnies were frolicking in the grass. (Aprils in Potatoville sure are annoying, aren't they?) Afrodo arrived at Sloppy Joe's and opened the door to the kitchen. Mary and Poppins were already hard at work baking cookies to put in the Midget Meals.  
"Hey, Pop?" asked Mary. "Could you hand me a spoonful of sugar?"  
"Sure thing, " replied Poppins as he piled sugar over the top of a soup ladle and handed it to Mary. "By the way," he added, "today we're making chocolate chip cookies. Don't forget to add the cockroaches!"  
Mary's face turned the color of the roses outside of the window. "Don't you tell me what to do!" the enraged Mary yelled as he flung a handful of the bugs at Poppins. Poppins hurled a whole bowl of them back at Mary.  
"GUYS! GUYS!" yelled Afrodo. "Calm down! You guys have to be on extra good behavior today!"  
Mary and Poppins abruptly stopped in mid-throw and stared at their boss. "Why?" they asked simultaneously.  
"Someone's coming in for a job interview. Name's Spamdumb. I've got to show him around the place. AND IF EITHER OF YOU ACT UP..." He made a cutting gesture across his throat.  
The two hobbits shrunk to the floor like scolded dogs. "We'll behave..." started Mary.  
"We promise!" ended Poppins.  
"Good," said Afrodo. "And would somebody make those birds shut up?"  
"Sure thing, boss!" Poppins replied cheerily. He picked up a handful of cockroaches and flung one out the window. "This is for being so darned annoying!" He flung another. "And this is for pooing all over the place, and this is for..."  
Just then he was interrupted by a knock on the door. Bobo and a person they had never seen before walked in.  
"Hello everyone!" Bobo started. "This is Spamdumb, but you can call him 'Spam.'" Spam attempted a small wave in their direction but ended up waving at the bowl of cookie dough because he was looking at the floor. "This," Bobo continued, "is Afrodo, my head fry-cook, and Mary and Poppins."  
"Hey, Bobo?" shouted Poppins. "Since your name is Spanish for 'silly', can we call you silly? Please? Please?" Bobo glared at Poppins and prowled over to him.  
"Don't mind them," mumbled Afrodo to Spam. "They've said that to him every day since last month. Every once in a while they change what their favorite foreign language is. Last time it was Spanish. This time it's French, so I don't know why they even bother him with that anymore."  
"Is Bobo your dad?" asked Spam.  
"Nah, I don't have any parents."  
"Really?"  
"When I was very young, they died in a freak llama accident."  
"Oh..." Spam looked back at the floor.  
"It couldn't be helped. The llamas just stampeded. I don't really remember them anyway."  
"Oh."  
Bobo came back from arguing with Mary and Poppins. "So, Spam!" he said. "Welcome to my restaurant! I hope you like your first impression!"  
Spam looked around the kitchen. Mary and Poppins were wrestling on the floor, there were cockroaches and cookie dough everywhere, and Afrodo had gone over to stir a bowl of what looked like mud. "Um, it's all right," Spam mumbled.  
"Good, I'm glad." Bobo beamed. "But, if you end up working here, there is one rule that you need to know."  
"What's that?"  
"Only I touch the Thing," he stated as he drew the Thing from his pocket and showed it to Spam. "There are many people who would kill for this." He paused and smiled at Spam. Spam glanced uneasily at the floor. Bobo's smile wasn't exactly pretty. "You know what, Spam? I like you. Welcome to Sloppy Joe's." Bobo said as he handed Spam a uniform. "Now get to work!" 


	2. The Council of Sloppy Joe's

Lord of the Thing  
Nobody quite knows what it is...  
  
Chapter 2  
  
The Council of Sloppy Joe's  
  
Spam changed into his uniform - a pair of ripped pants and a stained shirt. "They sure know how to depict 'sloppy,'" he said to himself as he made his way back to the kitchen. He arrived to find Mary and Poppins covered in cookie dough. Apparently they had given up on cockroaches and resigned to flinging globs of it at each other. Afrodo was still in the corner stirring the mud, which tuned out to be the chili. Spam walked over.  
"Hi Afrodo," he muttered.  
Afrodo looked up. "Hey Spam." Looking down at Spam's clothes, he added "So Bobo hired you? I thought he would."  
"Yup."  
" In my opinion, this is the best job in the world! It gives me a chance to let the world know my talents," he said, motioning to the chili.  
"Hmm...um, Afrodo?"  
"Yes, Spam?"  
"Can I ask you what exactly the Thing is?"  
"I don't know what it is; nobody really knows what it is except Bobo."  
"Oh. Are you going to be my boss?"  
"Yes. Bobo just owns the restaurant. He doesn't work at all."  
Suddenly, Mary running past with his head covered in cockroaches interrupted them. Apparently the two hadn't grown tired of the bugs after all. "AFRODO!" he cried. "HELP ME!"  
"I'll be right back," said Afrodo. "See you in a bit."  
  
Spam's first few weeks went by uneventful enough, unless you could count Mary and Poppins nearly setting the restaurant on fire three times anything new. Spam alternated working in the kitchen with working at the register.  
One day after closing, Bobo ran out of his office shouting.  
"Boys!" he cried, panicked. His hair was a mess and he looked disheveled. "Into my office! Now! Quickly!" he shouted as he rounded the hobbits up, herded them into his office, and sat them into chairs. He locked the door and peeked through the keyhole to check if anyone was outside. The restaurant was empty. He plopped down exhaustedly into the chair behind his desk.  
"Bonjour, monsieur!" Poppins said cheerily.  
"Ca va?" asked Mary.  
"Ca va tres mal!" said Bobo. "I mean, I'm doing horribly! Look at this!" He held up a pickle.  
"So?" asked Afrodo. "I don't see what's wrong with it."  
"Look!" insisted Bobo.  
"I don't see anything either," replied Spam.  
"IT'S A CAMERA!" cried Bobo. "And now look!" He put the pickle on the table. Nothing happened. "It's a device to first find and then steal the Thing! The person who made this could become a millionaire if the got the Thing!"  
"Oh la la!" cried Mary and Poppins.  
"That's right!" yelled Bobo. "And I bet I know who's responsible!"  
"Who?" everyone asked.  
"He doesn't have a name, so we'll call him 'Nameless,'" Bobo started like a storyteller telling a ghost story around a campfire. "As a child he watched too much Spongebob Squarepants. He became a huge fan of the character Plankton, and vowed to be like him someday. Now he goes around stealing other peoples' secret recipes and ingredients! HE WANTS THE THING! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?"  
"Cartoons are educational?" asked Afrodo.  
"Le fromage est petit?" asked Mary.  
"Le porc est grand?" asked Poppins.  
"Mary and Poppins are insane?" asked Spam. "But wait! I already knew that!"  
"No, you dimwits!" cried Bobo. "I means that we have to destroy the Thing!"  
"Okay!" interrupted Afrodo. "Let's burn it!"  
"Great idea!" answered Bobo. He lit a match and held it to the Thing. Nothing happened.  
"What's up with that?" asked Spam.  
Suddenly, Afrodo had a bright idea.  
"Let's launch it into space!" he cried.  
"Or throw it in the ocean!" added Spam.  
"Or dig a hole to China and leave it there!" continued Afrodo.  
"Or throw it into the lion cage at the zoo!" added Spam.  
"Or toss it into the Grand Canyon!"  
"Or flush it down the toilet!"  
"Oh! Les toilettes!" cried Poppins.  
"NO! NO! NO!" yelled Bobo over the hubbub. "Nameless will be able to find it that way! We will have to ask Dandruff for advice."  
Just then, miraculously on time, Dandruff walked into the office. He was a tall man with long hair. Nobody knew what color his hair really was: it was so covered in dandruff that it looked gray. That was how he got his nickname. Nobody knew what his real name was, either.  
"Dandruff!" cried Afrodo. The two had been friends for as long as he could remember. "Could you help us?"  
"Yes, I could," he replied. "If what Bobo has found really is a device to steal the Thing, then we will have to destroy the Thing. To do that we will have to go on a journey."  
"Why?" asked Spam.  
"Oui, pourqoi?" asked Mary.  
"LISTEN!" snapped Dandruff. "We will have to travel to the top of Mount Ain."  
"What will we do there? And what if it isn't a device to steal the Thing?" asked Afrodo.  
"I will tell you at a later date," replied Dandruff.  
"Do we have to?" whined Afrodo.  
"Yes, we do. You don't want to? Well - too bad, so sad! But I have arranged to have others accompany us."  
"Qui?" asked Poppins.  
"Yeah, who?" asked Afrodo.  
"Us!" shouted a voice from outside. Three humans, one dwarf, and one elf strode in.  
"Hey! I thought I locked the door!" shouted Bobo.  
"I would like you all to meet these fine men," said Dandruff, motioning to the newcomers. "This is Airhorn, Bore Me, Eggymess, and Dimli."  
"Um, Dandruff?" Afrodo whispered to him. "How exactly did Eggymess get his name?"  
"When he was born, birds flew overhead and dropped stuff on him. Thinking it was eggs, his parents gave him the name. Unfortunately, it wasn't eggs."  
"Eww," replied Afrodo.  
"'Eww' is right," said Dandruff.  
Interrupting, Poppins leaped up into Dandruff's face. "Hey, Dandruff?" he asked. "Mount Ain is far away! We can't walk can we? Can we? So can we take a car, a cool car, please? Please? Une tres chouette auto, sil vous plait?"  
"No, we will be going by horseback," replied Dandruff. "Cars are a lot of money. Plus, I just coincidentally got nine horses for free!"  
Oh, okay," replied Poppins, depressed. "I guess un tres laid cheval will have to do."  
"It better," replied Dandruff. "I now pronounce us, with the exception of Bobo, THE ENTOURAGE OF THE THING! Now let's get some sleep!" 


	3. Of Horses and Horse Poo

Lord of the Thing  
Nobody quite knows what it is...  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Of Horses and Horse Poo  
  
The next day, The Entourage of the Thing set out from Sloppy Joe's. Bobo waved good-bye, secretly cursing them under his breath for not letting him come. The birds were chirping, the flowers blooming and the bunnies frolicking in the grass as they were the day Spam was hired at Sloppy Joe's. Afrodo looked up into a tree to find a bird singing away without a care in the world. "I'll give you a care," he said as he picked up a stone from the ground. He chucked it at the bird and missed. "Darn!" he cursed. Soon they came upon a dilapidated stable and trudged inside. Dandruff walked down the aislt to the stall on the end. "This, " he said, "is Ben." He continued down the aisle. "This is Annie, Tonto, Marc, Blue, Indy, Floyd, Orli and Colette." "Qui est-ce?" sang Mary. "C'est Colette!" continued Poppins. "Bonjour Colette!" added Mary. "Ca va?" they ended together. "Maybe I shouldn't have gotten Colette if I knew all those two would do is sing their stinkin' French song," sighed Dandruff. "You mean 'Freedom Song,'" corrected Bore Me. Mary and Poppins paused and stared at Bore Me. "Vous detestez les francais?" they asked, appalled. "Um, what did they just say?" Bore Me asked Dandruff. "Just answer 'Vous etes super,'" he mumbled back. "Okay, 'vous etes supers!'" cried Bore Me. Mary and Poppins smiled. "Excuse me, Dandruff?" asked Eggymess. "Could we see the horses up close?" "Sure thing," he replied. "I'll go get Blue first." He walked away. "I hope the horses are good," added Eggymess. "How else will we defeat Nameless and the Forks?" "The Forks?" asked the hobbits. "The Forks," answered Eggymess, "are health-nuts who are very against fast food and will do anything to stop it. Nameless owns a sushi place, and sushi is good for you, so naturally they are on his side." "How did they get their name?" asked Spam. "They carry forks as weapons," responded Eggymess. Dandruff led out Blue. "Isn't she nice?" he asked. Blue was a nice horse, and wasn't so tall that the hobbits wouldn't be able to ride her. She was brown with a white stripe down her nose. "I don't like horses," squealed Poppins. "They smell bad and poo everywhere! Their poo stinks!" "Yeah!" agreed Mary. "Horse poo is worse than spinach, les epinards! If somebody asked me to do as much as touch horse poo, I'll refuse! I would NEVER do anything for horse poo!" "I guess this is what they call 'foreshadowing,'" stated Afrodo. They saw the rest of the horses and agreed that most of them were pretty nice. But when the got to Orli, there was a bit of a disagreement. "I'm not riding that horse!" cried Poppins. "His hair is too long!" It was true: Orli's blond mane was three feet long. Nobody else had much of a problem with it, though. There was also a disagreement at Floyd. At first glance, he looked like a scrawny pony with too-short legs. Mary walked up to him. "Eww, you're ugly, Floyd!" he sneered. Floyd lifted up his hind leg and planted his hoof squarely in Mary's behind. "Woah! This horse sure packs a punch!" Mary cried, massaging his butt. "This horse will really help us beat the Forks!" said Airhorn. "If Mary can feel the pain through all that fat on his butt, then those Forks will really be screaming!" "Yeah," said the unconvinced Mary, still rubbing the bruise. "These horses," cried Poppins, "are, like, so totally in, like, the house!" Everybody stopped and stared at him. "PLEASE don't talk like that," stated Dandruff. "It really gets on my nerves." "Um, all right," he replied. "Well, are we going to get going?" asked Dandruff. We've got to get going before Nameless gets us!" "Let's go!" cried Dimli. "Yeah!" everyone else agreed.  
  
They gathered up their stuff and packed it on the horses. Afrodo, Spam and Mary were all pretty lucky and got to ride the shortest horses, but Dandruff put Poppins on the tallest horse to keep him out of trouble. Poppins looked down from atop Annie at Afrodo, who was riding Colette. "How's the weather down there?" he asked. "Well, it was dry. Now it's wet, no thanks to Annie. Don't these horses know what a toilet is?" he replied. "I wouldn't count on it," interrupted Spam, who was riding Blue. Mary came up riding Floyd. "I can't believe I'm stuck with this stinkin', no-good horse" he whined. Floyd gave a little jump, threatening to buck. "I bet that Floyd's saying 'I wish I weren't stuck with such a rotten rider,'" replied Afrodo. "I wouldn't blame him." "Lucky Dandruff gets to ride Ben," said Poppins. "I wish I could. He's shorter than Annie." "Yeah, well, too bad," saidSpam. "Annie's tall, but at least we know she won't collapse under your weight like some of these other horses would." "HEY!" Poppins shouted back. Airhorn came up riding Marc. The tall horse's muscles rippled in the sunlight. "How do you guys like your horses?" he asked. "They're fine," replied Afrodo. He sent silencing glances in Poppins's and Mary's directions. "I'm glad," replied Airhorn. "I love this horse. The only problem is that he poos a lot and it usually flies onto the horse behind him if the horse is short enough." "ATTENTION!" Dandruff interrupted. "I have the order in which we will be riding in. First will be myself and Ben, then Eggymess and Tonto, then Dimli and Indy, then Bore Me and Orli, followed by Airhorn and Marc, Mary and Floyd, Afrodo and Colette, Spam and Blue, and Poppins and Annie." "Hah!" laughed Spam. "It looks like Mary will be showered with horse poo on our ride! Too bad your horse is so short!" "Ah, shut up!" snapped Mary. "I'll live." But everybody noticed that he was particularly sulky for the rest of the day. "All right!" shouted Dandruff. If we're all ready, then let's go!" 


	4. Life is a Road

Lord of the Thing  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Life is a Road...  
  
The journey started out well enough. Dandruff, in the front riding Ben, led the Entourage. Whenever the others were afraid that they were off- course, he would always reassure them by telling them he "knows these woods like the dandruff on my head." (Let's just say that he doesn't know his dandruff that well.) Behind him, Eggymess rode on Tonto. Tonto was a rather large brown and white horse. Like a good packhorse, his favorite thing to do is follow the horse in front of him. Because of this, Eggymess didn't have to do anything except sit. He could even catch a nap if he needed to. (And sometimes the trail was so boring, there was nothing better to do.) After Eggymess came Dimli on Indy. Indy was a young, spunky horse. For this reason, she loved to buck. When she'd buck, Dimli and all of the supplies would topple to the ground. After a while, Dimli was covered so much in black and blues that you couldn't tell what the original color of his skin was. Bore Me came next on Orli. The horse's long mane proved a nuisance - it got caught on every tree that they came across. Thus, Bore Me spent a lot of his free time at night pulling out twigs and thorns instead of sleeping - causing him to be cranky during the day. Dandruff threatened a few times to "send him to his room." After that came Airhorn and Marc. Airhorn spent much of the time on the trail giggling uncontrollably like a two-year-old whenever Marc took a dump and it landed on Mary. This happened about once every hour, so Airhorn was kept entertained. Of course, Mary wasn't too pleased. He spent most of his time wiping horse poo off of his face so that he could see the road ahead. It was pretty gross. When he wasn't wiping his face, he was planning ways to get back at Dandruff for making him ride such a short horse behind such a "poo- machine." Afrodo was content riding Colette. She was a smooth ride and never bumped him around on the rough terrain like the other horses often did. The only downside was that Afrodo had to put up with many a rendition of the "Qui est-ce? C'est Colette!" song from Poppins. Spam and Blue made a good pair, but Poppins and Annie did not. Annie was a huge, gray horse, taller than any of the other horses. Poppins also happened to be the shortest hobbit. Because of this, it was hard to control Annie and she often wandered off of the path. Poppins got swept off of her by any low branches that happened to be there. "Are we lost?" Poppins asked Dandruff after getting swept off of Annie for the third time in an hour. "No, don't worry." He replied. "I know these woods like the dandruff on my head." Poppins rolled his eyes and climbed the tree nearest to him and sat on one of the lower branches. Because Annie was so tall, Poppins had to do this whenever he had to get on her. He pushed himself off of the branch and onto Annie's back. Annie squirmed but didn't buck. "How much longer are we going to ride today?" Spam whined. "And when we stop," asked Mary, "will there be a stream where I can take a bath?" "Eww!" cried Poppins. "We'll have to drink that water! We won't want to if you've taken a bath in it!" "Well, there'll be more for me to drink then!" Mary replied. "Before or after you take the bath?" asked Poppins. "SILENCE!" cried Dandruff. "If you guys keep on making such a racket, then the Forks will find us!" "Why do those Forks think Nameless is so great?" whined Afrodo. "Sushi isn't that good for you! Do you know how many carbs are in rice?" "No, and I don't need to know," replied Dandruff. "And to answer your question, Spam, we will be stopping in an hour. And, yes, Mary, there will be a stream." "Yeah!" cried Mary at the same time everyone else groaned. "And Afrodo," continued Dandruff, "is the Thing still safe?" "Yeah, yeah, it's in my pocket," he replied. "I don't get it. Why don't we just eat it? Nameless won't be able to get it while it's inside our bodies." "Yes," Airhorn interrupted, "but what about when it comes out? He'll be able to get it then." "I didn't think about that," Afrodo said. "That's right," replied Airhorn. He then burst into a fit of giggles. Marc had taken another dump. "Grrr..." growled Mary. "Why don't you go to the back of the line? You won't be pooing on anyone there." "Because Dandruff put me here," he answered. "And who am I to argue with him?" Suddenly, Orli reared. Bore Me clung onto his neck like a sack of potatoes clings on to the side of a house. (He fell off.) Orli trotted off into the woods. "You darned horse!" cried Bore Me, running after Orli. "There are tons of thorn bushes in there! I'll be fixing your hair all night!" "Now, now," said Dimli. "Calm down! You're driving us all crazy! Don't you agree with me, Eggymess?" Eggymess didn't answer - he was fast asleep on the back of Tonto. "Now how much longer will we be riding?" asked Spam. "I already told you! It hasn't changed in the past few seconds!" Dandruff replied. "Now all of you shut up!" They obeyed. The Entourage of the Thing rode on for a while more. Finally, they came to a clearing in the woods. "Hey, look!" cried Poppins. "There are TWO streams! Mary can take a bath in one, and we can drink from the other!" "Hallelujah!" everyone cried. "Now if you'll excuse me," said Mary, "I have a bath to take." He ran to the stream. "I don't know about you," said Eggymess, waking up from his nap, "but I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat!" "Okay!" they all agreed. 


	5. A Fork in the Dark

Lord of the Thing  
Nobody quite knows what it is...  
  
Chapter 5  
  
A Fork in the Dark  
  
Everyone bustled about to prepare dinner. Dandruff and Eggymess prepared the food while Bore Me and Airhorn took the hobbits to find firewood.  
"Why can't we just order a pizza?" whined Mary as he picked up a twig. "I hate to cook our own food on a fire! That bacon's tainted I tell you!"  
"We can't argue with Dandruff," replied Airhorn. "And plus, the nearest restaurant is miles away! And I tried that bacon today - it's not too bad!"  
"But we didn't cook that bacon yet," replied Mary.  
The group trudged on in the forest, picking up sticks and logs. By the time none of them could carry any more, their stomachs were all growling like Bobo when Mary and Poppins throw french fries at each other. They went back to camp.  
Dandruff and Eggymess had unwrapped the food (no, there was no bacon. Airhorn had eaten it all) and had started, or should I say tried to start, a small fire with a log they found. The log was too wet to light. Marc had taken a dump on it.  
The food took a while to cook, but finally it was ready. The Entourage sat in a ring on the ground, attempting to eat their spaghetti with their fingers.  
"Why can't we eat with forks?" whined Afrodo. "My fingers are a mess!"  
"We can't bring forks with us," replied Dandruff, "because they might rebel against us."  
"Forks?" asked Afrodo. "Rebel?"  
"Yes. The Forks have bewitched all forks to destroy fast food and those who make fast food. If we brought forks with us, then they would try to destroy us."  
"That's absurd!" Afrodo cried. "Forks? Destroy us? That's a laugh!"  
"You laugh now," replied Dandruff, "but not when the Forks attack."  
"Whatever," answered Afrodo as he went back to his food.  
  
After dinner, Afrodo went for a stroll behind camp as the rest of the Entourage worked their butts off to put up tents.  
He came across a clearing in the woods. The moon shone down onto the grass and caught a slight glimmer on the ground. Afrodo walked up to it. It was a fork.  
"Yes!" he whispered. "Now I won't have to use my hands!" But Dandruff's words resounded in his head. He bent down to pick it up, but stopped.  
"You know what Dandruff said," he told himself. "But still..." He picked it up. It was silver with a shimmery look about it. The shapes of flowers were carved into it. "I'll keep it," he said. "HA! Forks rebelling my foot!" He went back to camp. 


	6. Wasabi!

Lord of the Thing  
Nobody quite knows what it is...  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Wasabi!  
  
The next morning the Entourage of the Ring set out again. But as soon as they left their campground, they came across something very strange - a Japanese restaurant.  
"I thought you said there were no restaurants for miles!" cried Mary to Bore Me. "Thanks for telling the 'truth.'"  
Bore Me's face turned red. "I didn't know," he replied.  
The group trudged into the restaurant to the smell of chicken teriyaki and tempura. "Yum!" cried Spam. "It smells really good in here!"  
"Thanks," replied a voice. A teenage girl strode out of a corner. She was sort of tall with brown hair and bluish/greenish/brownish/grayish eyes. "Welcome to my restaurant."  
"YOU own this restaurant?" asked Afrodo, surprised. "But you look only thirteen!"  
"I AM only thirteen," she replied. "And I love Japanese food. That's why I own this restaurant."  
Afrodo turned to Dandruff. "Doesn't Nameless own a Japanese restaurant?" he whispered. "This can't be safe! She's probably on his side!"  
"Trust me, she isn't," replied Dandruff. In a louder voice, to the girl, he said, "Hello Rochelle."  
"Hello Dandruff," she replied. "I remember you from before you had so much dandruff. Your hair color is - "  
"Er, let's not talk about that," interrupted Dandruff. "Can we stay here for a while? We're on a trip. We'll explain later."  
"Of course," Rochelle replied. "Want some sashimi? I was just preparing some."  
"Sure," said Dandruff. The Entourage sat down at a table. Rochelle brought the sashimi over. Everybody took a bit and tried it. Poppins shoved a handful into his mouth, but promptly spit it out.  
"Eww! What is this?" he asked.  
"Raw fish," replied Rochelle. "I understand that many people don't care for it."  
"I certainly don't!" he answered. "Do you have any real food around here?"  
"If you mean fast food, then I don't." Said Rochelle. But if you'd like to try some miso soup, feel free to."  
"I'm not so sure that I'll be too adventurous today, thanks," he replied. Poppins turned to the rest of the group. Nobody else seemed to be too interested in the sashimi either. Rochelle noticed this as well.  
"Why don't I show you guys to your rooms?" she asked, trying to take their minds off of the raw fish. "They're upstairs."  
"Are you sure it's safe to stay here for a few days?" asked Dandruff. "We're running away from Nameless." He continued to tell the story to Rochelle.  
"You'll be safe here," she replied. "He'll never bother us unless we're a fast food restaurant."  
"If you insist," answered Dandruff. "Show us to our rooms."  
"Follow me," said Rochelle as she led them up a staircase. 


	7. Chicken Water and a Hat

Lord of the Thing  
Nobody quite knows what it is...  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Chicken Water and a Hat  
  
"I thought you said you'd show us to our 'rooms,'" said Spam.  
"Hey, it's not my fault that I only have a two-room apartment up here!" replied Rochelle. "Just be glad that I have enough bunk bed for you all and you don't have to share beds!"  
Afrodo looked under one of the bunk beds. Everything was covered with dust. Something was in the corner. He reached as far as his arm could go, grabbed it, and pulled it out from under the bed. It was an old hat, ripped and frayed at the edges. It was probably red at one time, but now was a shade of pink. Afrodo dusted it off and put it on his head. "How do I look?" he asked the others, who had begun to unpack.  
"Wow!" cried Rochelle. "You look great! Wait - where have I seen you in that hat before?"  
"I don't know," he replied, "but this hat is the real me!"  
"I agree!" answered Rochelle. She looked at Afrodo. His long hair poked out from the bottom of the hat. Her bluish/greenish/brownish/grayish eyes met his. They were blue. He seems nice... she said to herself.  
Suddenly she remembered something, but it wasn't about Afrodo. "Hey guys," she said, "do you want to see my new perfume? I'm going to try to sell it and make an extra buck. I call it Eau de Poulet."  
"But," said Mary, "that means 'chicken water'!"  
"So it does," replied Rochelle. "But it's all artificial. Don't worry, no chickens were harmed in the making of this perfume."  
"All right," answered Mary. He took a whiff of the perfume. It didn't smell like chicken. It smelled like the sashimi. "Weird," he said to himself.  
"Hey!" cried Poppins as he scrambled to the top bunk of one of the beds and sat there. "I call this one!"  
"And I call this one!" cried Mary as he shoved the perfume into Rochelle's hand and climbed onto the bed next to the one that Poppins had chosen. The next few moments were filled with the cries of everyone in the Entourage as they claimed beds. Everyone got a bed except for Afrodo. He was too busy looking at himself in the mirror in the bathroom. He turned to the group to claim a bed, but it was too late. Every bed was taken.  
"I thought you said that you had enough beds for all of us!" Afrodo said to Rochelle. "We're short one!"  
"Oh, I guess I missed Poppins when I was counting you. He's too short." Poppins let out a squeak. "I have an old cot in the attic that you can use. It likes to fall apart in the middle of the night and dump you onto the floor, but it should be all right."  
"Whatever you say," replied Afrodo as he adjusted his hat. It rally WAS the new him.  
"You must be tied after such a long trip," said Rochelle. "I'll let you all have a nap. Goodnight!"  
"Goodnight," replied Afrodo. Rochelle looked at him and smiled.  
"Are you going to sleep with that hat on?" she asked.  
"Of course," he replied. "I don't think I'll ever take it off."  
"Okay," said Rochelle. "Goodnight." 


	8. Fro

Lord of the Thing  
Nobody quite knows what it is...  
  
Chapter 8  
  
"Fro"  
  
Mary woke up a few hours later. He sat up, and stretched his arms, and looked out the window onto the forest. "What time is it?" he asked to nobody in particular. He noticed Zoe sitting next to the cot that Afrodo was sleeping on. He was still asleep, but she was looking at him dreamily. Mary's question startled her out of her daze.  
"What? Oh, yeah," she cried, checking her watch. "It's five o'clock."  
"I'm hungry," whined Mary. "But I don't want any of that fish stuff."  
"I figured that," she replied. "Don't worry, I'll fix up some rice or something. But, shush! Everyone else is sleeping!" She looked back at Afrodo. The dreamy look came back into her eyes.  
"How long have you been sitting like that?" asked Mary in a lower voice.  
"Oh, um, since - " she began. Suddenly, she stopped and her face turned as red as Afrodo's hat. "Wait! I'm not sitting any particular way - " She was obviously covering up the fact that she had been sitting that way.  
"Uh, forget it," replied Mary. Poppins stirred in the bunk next to him. He was still asleep.  
"NO!" Poppins cried. He obviously was having some sort of a dream. "DON'T! NOT THE LLAMA! ANYTHING BUT THE LLAMA! TAKE MARY FOR ALL I CARE! BUT NOT THE LLAMA!"  
"Yeah, thanks," he mumbled. "After all these years, you'd rather have a llama than me? I guess that it's just a dream..."  
Suddenly, Afrodo turned over onto his other side. "Make him shut up!" she snapped at Mary. "He's going to wake Fro!"  
"Fro?" asked Mary. "I don't even call him that! And I'm one of his best friends!"  
"Do you think I care?" she snapped. Again, she turned to Afrodo and again, the dreamy look came into her eyes. This time, Mary understood.  
"Oh, I see," he said with a smile. "You like Afrodo, don't you? I should have guessed sooner..."  
Zoe's face turned red again. "Now, why do you think that?" she stuttered. "Me? Like Afrodo? That's preposterous..."  
Suddenly, Poppins sat straight up. Apparently the conversation woke him up. "I couldn't help but eavesdrop," he said. "Don't worry, Zoe. It's perfectly normal to like someone in that way. Take me for example. There was this girl named Sarina..."  
Now Zoe was really mad. "I DON'T LIKE AFRODO IN THAT WAY, DO YOU HEAR ME?" Her yelling woke Afrodo up. He looked puzzled. You would be too, if someone yelled that about you when you were sleeping.  
"In what way?" he asked.  
"Oh, never mind," replied Zoe. She didn't want to ac t this way in front of Afrodo. "I'll go get the rice..." She continued out the door and down the stairs to the kitchen.  
"Hey, Afrodo?" asked Mary. "Do you have a girlfriend?"  
"No, why?" replied Afrodo.  
"Aw, nothing," answered Mary. "Just wondering."  
"And by the way, Mary," interrupted Poppins. "I really would prefer a llama over you." 


	9. When Good Friends Go Bad

Lord of the Thing  
Nobody quite knows what it is...  
  
Chapter 9  
  
When Good Friends Go Bad  
  
Zoe was busy down in the kitchen. As you can probably guess, Afrodo kept popping up in her mind. Who else? "That stinkin' Mary and Poppins," she mumbled to herself. "I'll get them next time..." She took as long as she could getting the rice ready to avoid having to come face-to-face with the "brats." "Next time..." she continued.  
"Next time" came sooner than she thought. At that moment, Mary and Poppins came thumping down the stairs, chanting "WE WANT FOOD! WE WANT FOOD!"  
"Hold on a second" the frazzled Zoe cried. "It's coming! I bet you woke up the whole house with your stinkin' screaming."  
"The whole house is already awake," replied Poppins. "I think I woke them up with my llama dream."  
"Great," replied Zoe. (sarcastically, of course) Her thoughts suddenly drifted back to Afrodo. "Hey, guys?" she asked the hobbits. "Could you do me a favor?"  
"Sure thing!" they replied in unison.  
"Uh, you know that little thing we were talking about upstairs?"  
"Yeah..." Poppins started to become suspicious.  
"Would you mind not mentioning it to anyone?"  
"Why not?" asked Mary.  
"Why do you think not? Do you thing I want the whole Entourage to know?"  
"Yeah..." Poppins still wasn't convinced.  
"NO! I DON'T! If I wanted them to know, I would have told them already."  
"Good point." they replied.  
"You're darn right it is. Anyway, I think it's only going to be temporary."  
"Poo! I was hoping that Afrodo would have a kid! Then I could be its godfather..."  
"You have one sick mind, Mary."  
"I know I do."  
Zoe finished preparing the rice. "Why don't you guys grab some soy sauce, and I'll meet you upstairs?" she asked. Maybe looking for soy sauce would keep them out of trouble. Then again it might just cause more. She was willing to take the chance. She didn't know about those times that they had nearly set Sloppy Joe's on fire. "It's in the cabinet over the stove." She headed up the stairs to the bedroom.  
When she arrived, some of the Entourage was sitting on their bunks. Others were still lying down. Eggymess was stretching, Airhorn was yawning, and Dimli was picking junk out from between his toes. Dandruff was combing his beard. Bore Me was looking out the window at Orli, who was exploring the thicket behind the building. His mane was filled with thorns. Spam was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling as if it were about to come to life. Apparently he thought that it had, because he was talking to it.  
"Hello ceiling," he said. "So, how are things with you? Zoe's hot, isn't she?" Apparently he had no idea that Zoe had walked into the room, either.  
Afrodo was sitting on his cot, adjusting his hat. It looked great on him. (of course, what wouldn't?) Zoe walked up to him.  
"So how was you sleep?" she asked.  
He looked up at her. "Actually, it was very nice, considering I slept on a cot and all. That's why I don't go camping at a lodge or anywhere too often. As a matter of fact, I had a dream...but I'm not quite sure what it was about...I think it might have been about you."  
Zoe was "touched." (lol Lila) "Wow," she said. "That's nice..."  
"I don't remember exactly what it was about, but I remember that it was nice." He looked into Zoe's bluish/greenish/brownish/grayish eyes. They're beautiful... he thought to himself. Maybe I should get to know her a little better...we could be good friends... His daydream was interrupted by the smell of soy sauce. Mary and Poppins had arrived, and were attempting to pour soy sauce on each other.  
"I knew I couldn't trust you!" Zoe cried. "Give me the soy sauce..." She continued to run after them. "I'll be right back," she called to Afrodo.  
"Take your time," he replied dreamily. No! Don't get yourself caught up in this! He said to himself. Remember the last time you fell in love? To tell the truth, he didn't want to remember the last time he fell in love. It wasn't exactly a painless experience.  
Spam came up to Afrodo. They looked at each other.  
"Isn't Zoe hot?" they said to each other in unison.  
"WHAT?!" cried Afrodo.  
"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" yelled Spam.  
They each pulled out their toothbrushes (it was the only weapony- thing they had on hand) and pointed them at the other.  
"I swear, if you go near her..." started Afrodo in a threatening voice.  
"Don't worry," stated Spam in a tone just as threatening as Afrodo's, "I'll go closer than near."  
"I don't believe it," mumbled Afrodo. "After all these years that we were friends..."  
"It's funny what love can do to you, isn't it?" replied Spam. 


	10. Rice, Rice Everywhere

Lord of the Thing  
Nobody quite knows what it is...  
  
Chapter 10  
  
Rice, Rice Everywhere  
  
Afrodo and Spam were still glaring at each other when Zoe walked over with two bowls of rice. They didn't even notice her at first. She looked at them. "Uh, are you two all right?" she asked uncertainly.  
Afrodo and Spam relaxed and looked away from each. "Yeah...just fine..." stuttered Afrodo.  
"Well, I brought some rice for you two," she told them as she handed a bowl to each of them. Then she looked at Afrodo with a concerned look on her face. "Are you sure everything is fine?" she asked the two hobbits. "It doesn't seem like it..."  
"Everything's fine," said Spam through clenched teeth.  
Zoe shrugged. "Okay, if you insist." She began to walk away, but stopped and turned back to them. "If either of you need anything, feel free to ask..."  
"Thank you, Zoe," replied Afrodo with a forced smile. Zoe smiled back and walked away. "I don't believe you, Spam," Afrodo continued. "After all of these years that we've been friends..."  
"Afrodo," said Spam, starting to calm down. "We've only known each other for a few weeks - since Bobo hired me at Sloppy Joe's - not 'years'."  
Afrodo stood up in rage, his eyes bulging and his face redder than his hat. "FINE!" he cried. "HAVE IT YOUR WAY! ALWAYS YOUR WAY! NEVER MINE! WHY WERE WE EVER FRIENDS IN THE FIRST PLACE? FINE - I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU AFTER ALL OF THESE WEEKS THAT WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!"  
  
He plopped down exhaustedly on the cot. It collapsed under the sudden weight, tossing him onto the floor. "THIS DARNED COT!" he cried getting up and kicking it.  
He turned around. The whole room was staring at him. "Uh, just practicing for a play audition..." he mumbled to the room, trying to save face. "It's, uh, called, 'I Hate My Friends and, uh, My Cot'." Everybody looked strangely at him. "Hey!" he said. "I didn't write it, I'm just auditioning for it! Right, Spam?" He looked in his direction. Spam grunted.  
Dandruff stood up. "There's no point in practicing for the audition," he said. "We may be on this journey for longer than we expected."  
"Oh," Afrodo faked. "Darn." He sat back down onto the collapsed cot. Spam stood up. "I think I'll go sit with Bore Me today," he said, walking over to the other side of he bunk with his bowl of rice.  
Mary and Poppins came over and sat next to Afrodo. "What's up?" Mary asked.  
"Nothing too much," lied Afrodo. "But can I trust you with a secret?" he added with a low voice.  
"Sure," replied Poppins.  
"Okay." Afrodo took a deep breath. "You know Zoe?"  
"Yes..." replied Mary.  
"I, er, sort of like her, if you get my drift." He finished his sentence, took in a deep breath, and let it out. Mary and Poppins looked at each other, hiding smiles. "There, I said it." said Afrodo, relieved. "But you have to promise not to tell anybody."  
Mary and Poppins attempted to mute their giggles. "Of course," replied Poppins. "We * giggle* - won't - *giggle* - tell anyone..."  
"I know I can trust you," answered Afrodo. "After all of these YEARS, not WEEKS like a certain somebody I know, that we've been friends, I'd trust you with my life."  
"I'm glad - * giggle* " replied Mary.  
Afrodo got up and walked away.  
"Do you believe this?" Poppins asked Mary. "Should we try to get them together?"  
"Nah," replied Mary. "Both of them told us not to tell anyone. And we can't break our promise, can we? Plus, Afrodo says he'd trust us with his life."  
"He must not love his life that much if he's trusting us with it!" replied Poppins.  
Suddenly Spam came over with a look on his face that spelled S-O-M-E- T-H-I-N-G I-S G-R-O-S-S. "Eww," he said. "They don't know how to use chopsticks over there. There's rice all over the place - on the bunks, on the floor, falling out of their mouths - it's just disgusting."  
"Gross," replied Mary.  
"Yeah," answered Spam. "Do you guys mind if I sit here with you?"  
"Of course not," replied Poppins.  
"Good," said Spam. "Plus, I have a secret to tell you. You can't tell anyone, okay?"  
Nods from Mary and Poppins.  
Spam took a deep breath. "You know Zoe? Well..."  
  
"...and now Afrodo is getting all worked up. I think he's a bit too obsessed. But I still like her, you know? And you can't tell anyone, especially Zoe." After finishing, Spam got up and walked away. He mumbled something about going to the bathroom because he'd eaten too much rice.  
Mary and Poppins looked at each other. "Oh boy," said Mary. "Now what?"  
"I don't know," replied Poppins. "I sort of think we should spill the beans, but I don't have the heart to tell Spam that he doesn't stand a chance."  
"I know," answered Mary. "But let's not tell anyone."  
"Why not?" asked Poppins.  
"Simple - it'll be way to entertaining if we leave it," replied Mary.  
"Ah," answered Poppins. "I like your thinking."  
"So do I," replied Mary. 


	11. The Riders of Sushi Palace

Lord of the Thing  
Nobody quite knows what it is...  
  
Chapter 11  
  
The Riders of Sushi Palace  
  
After eating their rice, the Entourage was too tired to anything else (although they had just taken a nap) so they went to bed. Afrodo fixed his cot because he obviously didn't want to sleep on the floor. They took turns in the bathroom changing into their pajamas and brushing their teeth.  
  
Afrodo was lying on his cot, already in his pajamas and with clean teeth, when Spam strolled over.  
"Uh, Afrodo?" Spam asked. "About this Zoe thing..."  
"I don't want to talk about it," replied Afrodo stiffly. "You know I don't want to talk to you."  
"Yeah, but...maybe we can work this out."  
"Work it out? Yeah right."  
"Maybe..."  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
"But - "  
"I SAID, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!"  
"Okay, okay!" Spam walked away a few steps like a scolded dog. A few feet away he turned around. "It's not like she even likes either of us in that way. We just met her today."  
Afrodo grunted and turned on his cot to face the wall. Spam walked to his bunk on the other side of the room. He climbed up the ladder to his bed. Bore Me was already snoring on the bed below.  
Glancing around to make sure the coast was clear, Afrodo reached into his pocket and drew out the fork that he found the night before. He traced the flower pattern with his pointer finger. Still holding the fork, Afrodo stretched out his arms and legs. His toes poked out from the bottom of the blanket on the cot. "Grr," he said. I wish that I had a bigger blanket he thought.  
Zoe appeared out of nowhere with a bundle of blankets in her arms. "Need another blanket?" she asked. "I'm going around to make sure everyone's comfortable."  
Stunned at how she almost read her mind, Afrodo stuttered "Sh...sh...sure" in reply. He put the fork back in his pocket and took the blanket.  
Zoe went around to everyone else, offering blankets and asking how everyone was. After reading a bedtime story to Poppins, she got up, walked to the door, and switched off the light. "Goodnight everyone," she said.  
"Goodnight, Zoe," everyone replied, some louder than others.  
  
The next morning dawned bright and early. The Entourage was ready to set out. After a breakfast of tempura, (they finally found a Japanese food beside rice that they could stand) they packed up their few belongings in sack and brought them outside to load on the horses. While passing the front of the restaurant, Spam looked up. "Sushi Palace" was painted on the front. "I guess that's the name..." he said.  
"Uh, Dandruff?" asked Mary. "We have a problem. What's Zoe going to do? Walk along side us? We don't have a horse for her."  
"No," replied Zoe. "But I have a horse for me." She ran to the back of the building and came back leading a tall, brown horse with a black mane and tail and a white stripe down its nose. "Meet Huck," said Zoe. Huck stood proudly. The breeze rippled his mane and tail.  
"Why, he's beautiful!" cried Airhorn.  
"I know he is," replied Zoe. "The amazing thing is that I got him off Ebay."  
"Woah," replied Dimli. "You can get anything from there! How much was he?"  
"Only about ten grand."  
"ONLY ten grand? That's a fortune!"  
"Yeah, well, he's a pretty horse."  
"How did you get the name?" asked Spam.  
"He came with it," replied Zoe.  
"Reminds me of that book we used to read in English class," added Spam. "What was it called again?"  
"I dunno," answered Bore Me. "How does he ride?"  
"Splendidly," replied Zoe. "But I'll show you later. Oh yeah, do you guys need anymore horses to carry supplies?"  
"It would be a huge help," replied Dandruff. "But we don't have any more horses."  
"Oh yeah?" answered Zoe with a smirk. She ran around to the back of the building again and came back leading three horses. "Meet Sam, Sky, and Strider. They're all mustangs that I adopted. I call them the 'S Brothers' because all of their names begin with S's."  
"That's great!" cried Dandruff. "Now each horse won't have as big of a load on its back."  
The S Brothers were all pretty horses. Sam was a light brown horse with a white spot on his forehead. Sky was brown and whit, almost like Tonto. Strider was a black horse with flecks of white in his coat, a color called blue roan. All of them had extremely long manes, even longer than Orli's.  
The Entourage and Zoe then got busy preparing their gear and loading the bundles onto the horses.  
"Okay," said Dandruff. "Zoe will ride near the back, between Spam and Afrodo." The two of them blushed and smiled to themselves. "I need three of you to lead the S Brothers next to you. How about Bore Me, Eggymess, and Zoe?"  
"Okay," they replied.  
"Let's go!" said Dandruff. "Mount your horses!"  
The group scurried around to find their horses. Wondering how Zoe could afford the cost of four horses with the income from a Japanese restaurant in the middle of the woods, Spam reached his foot up to put it in the stirrup. He got it in, but struggled with climbing on. Finally he managed to pull himself up and plop into the saddle. Blue looked at him suspiciously. High on the horse, Sam was able to watch the others struggle with getting on their horses. Zoe was walking around, giving some help here and there where it was most needed. Spam watched, appalled, as Zoe picked up Afrodo and placed him in Colette's saddle. The two of them smiled at each other and giggled when Afodo's foot got caught on a loose strap of the saddle. Spam's face became red as his anger mounted.  
Finally it was just about ready to go. Zoe was the only one left who hadn't gotten on their horse. She walked up to Huck and paused at his side. She effortlessly sprang up and landed lightly in the saddle. The rest of the group stared at her in disbelief. Noticing their faces, she replied "Hey, after years of practice it comes easily."  
Then, the Entourage was ready to go. They got into their order and set out. By the time the sun was high in the sky, the Entourage was well on their way to their next destination. 


	12. One Day As I Was Walking

Lord of the Thing  
Nobody quite knows what it is...  
  
Chapter 12  
  
One Day as I Was Walking...  
  
The sun blazed down from overhead. No shadows, the sun was right above the Entourage. Noon.  
"I'm hungry," whine Poppins. "We haven't eaten for a long time!"  
"We just ate a half-hour ago, smart one," replied Airhorn.  
"That's a long time for a hobbit!" Poppins cried back. "Can't we eat?"  
"My god!" cried an aggravated Bore Me. "What's wrong with you hobbits? Small stomachs?"  
"What do you expect?" answered Mary. "We're only three feet tall!"  
"I'm three feet and two inches," replied Poppins. "Unlike some others I know." He shot a menacing glance towards Mary. If they weren't riding horses, the two hobbits probably would have run into the woods and found something sticky to throw at each other. Unfortunately there was no cockroaches, cookie dough, or soy sauce in sight, and they were riding horses so if they tried to jump off of, they would possible die a slow and painful death. (AKA be trampled by horse hoofs.)  
"Just shut up already," said Bore Me. "You're really annoying me. Don't you agree, Eggymess?"  
"Whatever," he replied. Taking his hands off the reins (acting stupider than the hobbits), he pulled a magazine out of his pack and fingered through it. Dimli looked over his shoulder.  
"Uh, Eggymess?" he asked. "Are you OK?"  
"Yes. Why do you ask?"  
"You're looking at a magazine for teenage girls. You don't find that all strange?"  
"Stupid! I'm not reading it! Just looking at the pictures."  
"Pictures?"  
"Yes, there's an article on me." He held up the magazine as proof. Sure enough, there was an article titled Long Hair, Blue Eyes, What More Could a Girl Want? There were pictures of Eggymess in various poses: horseback riding, sunbathing on the beach, at the hair cutter's (caption: A rare occurrence for Eggymess), and eating at Captain Nick's All-You-Can-Eat Seafood Buffet.  
"Oh, all right," replied Dimli. "I began to get a little nervous there."  
Meanwhile, in the back of the line, Poppins was kept well entertained. It was funny to watch Zoe and Afrodo flirt, but not as funny as Spam's lame attempts.  
"Afrodo?" asked Zoe. Are you all right up there?"  
"Yep," replied Afrodo. "And you?"  
"Great," she answered. "Watch out!" Sam, the S Brother who Zoe had been leading next to her, suddenly launched a kick in Colette's direction. Colette, frightened, leaped a step to the side. Too bad for Afrodo. He didn't go to the side with her.  
The line of horses stopped at the 'thump' of Afrodo hitting the ground. Zoe leaped off Huck and landed on the ground. Motioning for Huck to stay put, she rushed over to Afrodo. He was covered with dirt and dust and his hair was a mess. He looked a bit shocked. You would be too, if one second you're on a horse and the next you're on the ground. At least he didn't hit a fence.  
"Are you okay?" she asked with obvious concern in her voice. She knelt on the ground next to the hobbit and looked over him, panicked. "Did you break anything? Quick, Bore Me! Get a splint! And a bandage! Eggymess! Get some painkiller! Airhorn! Get a comb and some hair spray!"  
  
"No, no!" said Afrodo, sitting up. "I'm fine. I just had a bit of a shock."  
Zoe relaxed, relieved. "I'm glad," she said. "I was worried."  
Afrodo smiled at her. "Thank you, but really, I'm all right."  
"Good," the girl responded. "Now, let's get on our horses everybody!" Nobody, except Afrodo, obeyed for the simple reason that Zoe was the only one that had gotten off her horse.  
They rode on. After about an hour, the hobbits were still hungry. Their stomachs were growling like the mountain lions that they were afraid they would meet on their journey.  
"I'm hungry," whined Mary. "My stomach is growling like the mountain lions that I'm afraid we'll meet on this journey."  
"Ah, quit your bellyaching!" cried Bore Me. "We'll eat in time!"  
"But I want to eat now!" cried Mary. "I may have a small stomach, but it can get pretty empty!"  
"Sheesh," sighed Bore Me. "If I'd known hobbits were such whiny-pants then I wouldn't have come on this trip! I could've gone to Jamaica or Guatemala instead!"  
"Guacamole?" asked Poppins.  
"No, Guatemala," sighed Bore Me. "You all drive me crazy!"  
"I know something that will drive you even crazier!" said Mary. "This song has the ability to drive all that hear it mentally insane!"  
"Great, just what I need," replied Bore Me. "More insanity."  
"Here goes!" said Mary cheerily.  
  
"One day as I was walking!  
  
Along a clear and sunny stream!  
I saw a trout so dashing!  
An arrow it did seem!  
This quick, magnificent creature!  
Entranced me as I stood!  
Such beauty found in nature!  
Is all so fair and good!  
Such beauty found in nature - "  
  
"OKAY! OKAY! I SURRENDER!" interrupted Bore Me. "Enough! For once, you guy were right! It did drive me insane! If not officially insane, than close to it!"  
"I knew it," smirked Mary. "I can sing that song whenever you're mean to me or Poppins."  
"Now that we're done singing it - " said Bore Me, as politely as he could which turned out not to be that polite.  
"I'm hungry," interrupted Poppins.  
"JUST SHUT UP!" cried Bore Me with a face as red as a red delicious apple.  
Mary frowned. "I warned you..." he said. Then at the top of his lungs, he sang "ONE DAY AS I WAS WALKING - " Birds in nearby tree branches took flight, probably to spare themselves from insanity or Mary's awful voice.  
"OKAY!" cried Bore Me. "I'll stop as long as it spares my sanity!"  
Mary turned to Afrodo. "Now I've got him under complete control," he said. "This is going to be fun..." 


	13. A Hot Guy and a Hairy Rope

Lord of the Thing  
Nobody quite knows what it is...  
  
Chapter 13  
  
A Hot Guy and a Hairy Rope  
  
The Entourage carried on. Bore Me, riding Orli, was about to pull his hair out thanks to the "wonderful" singing of Mary. Eggymess, stupidly not holding onto the reins or onto Strider's lead rope, was looking at his magazine. The horses slowly plodded along.  
Eventually, they came to a nice clearing and decided to stop for the night. Everybody struggled off of their horses (except Zoe, who lightly swung herself out of the saddle and landed perfectly on the ground) and began to unload their stuff. Airhorn, Bore Me, Eggymess and Dimli began to set up tents. The hobbits and Zoe tied the horses up and made sure they were well fed. Dandruff sat lazily on a log, puffing away at his pipe.  
Finally the camp was set up. Everybody was all set to eat dinner and go to bed, but there was one problem - it was only two o'clock. So they decided to practice their riding and fighting skills.  
"Uh, how does this thing work again?" asked Poppins as he held up a bow and arrow.  
"It's easy," said Eggymess as he walked over and helped him.  
Spam and Afrodo were practicing sword fighting. Since they were so annoyed with each other, it was easy to do this with all of their might. Also, since they were REALLY fighting, they were extra careful to block the other's sword. Who knows if they would actually kill each other? It was awfully possible...  
"Take this!" shouted Afrodo as he thrust his sword at Spam. Spam blocked it with his own sword.  
"Ha!" Spam replied. "Didn't get me that time!"  
The two hobbits stopped for a second to rest. "I don't get it," said Afrodo. "Why can't we use something at least a bit more high-tech?"  
"Duh," replied Spam. "The Forks will be using forks as weapons. We won't need anymore more than a sword."  
"Good point," answered Afrodo.  
Suddenly, they were interrupted. Zoe galloped up to them on Huck and came to a sliding stop. "Get on your horses!" she cried. "The Forks are coming! The Forks are coming!"  
Reminded of a history lesson, Afrodo rushed over to Colette. Thankfully, the gods were with him and he was able to get up into the saddle without any problem. Spam got up next to him on Blue.  
"Ready?" Afrodo asked Spam, brandishing his sword.  
"Ready," replied Spam. "Let's go!"  
The two cantered over to the rest of the Entourage, who were already on their horses. "Get ready!" urged Zoe. "Look!" she cried, pointing. "Here they are!"  
Sure enough, the Entourage was able to see a crowd of people coming over the top of a near-by hill. As they were all health-nuts, they were all very thin. Several of them had large muscles. Most of them happened to be women. Every one held a fork in one hand. The metal glistened in the sun.  
"Charge!" shouted Zoe. The battle broke out. The Forks ran around, attempting to stab the horses or their riders with their tined eating utensils. They usually missed. The Entourage struggled to attack the Forks with their swords and bow and arrows. Unfortunately, they usually missed too. The battle was not going well. Nearly everybody had lost hope, but thankfully nobody had lost any limbs.  
Suddenly, Zoe's face lit up. "I have an idea!" she shouted. "Eggymess! Come here!" He complied. Zoe whispered something in his ear. His face lit up too.  
"That's a great idea!" Eggymess said. Then he kicked Tonto into a gallop. The normally slow, plodding horse thundered across the clearing in front of the battle line with the grace of an eagle, his mane and tale flying. "Yoo, hoo! Girls!" Eggymess called and beamed a huge smile in their direction. Most of the Forks turned their heads, some in mid-stab.  
"Eeeeee!" they squealed in delight and chased after him. Eggymess galloped on. They chased and tried to catch up. But no matter how many Slim-Fast energy shakes they consumed and how many hours they spent working out at the gym, they couldn't catch up to Tonto. So they kept chasing.  
Eggymess galloped on until he approached a river. It was only about seven feet wide, but almost six feet deep. The quick current swept leaves down it faster than anybody cared to know. If Tonto didn't make it over, there was no hope.  
With the Forks hot on his heels, Eggymess was fifty feet away from the river...forty feet...thirty feet...twenty...ten...five... Suddenly, Tonto brought his legs under him and leaped. He cleared the river with room to spare. The Forks did not. Eggymess pulled on the reins and signaled Tonto to slow down. He turned back and found himself looking at a bunch of Forks struggling in the river. Apparently, they couldn't swim as well as one would think. Of course, this was all part of Zoe's plan. Eggymess looked over the struggling Forks. Blondes, brunettes, red heads...but what was that? It wasn't a Fork ...it was Afrodo! "Afrodo!" called Eggymess as he galloped Tonto to the edge of the river. He was clasped onto a rock in the middle of the river, holding on for dear life. The current threatened to pull him away any second. He coughed and sputtered as small waves washed into his mouth. Colette was grazing peacefully by the edge of the river. Eggymess leaped off of Tonto and tied him to a tree. "Everybody!" he called over the river. "Come! Help!" He looked back at Afrodo. The hobbit looked up at him and sputtered "Help!" "I'm trying!" he answered. Then he called back over the river "Come on! Help! Afrodo's in trouble!" Suddenly Zoe, the hobbits, and the rest of the Entourage appeared out of the thicket. They took one look at Afrodo and panicked. They ran around screaming "Oh no! Afrodo!" and banging their heads against trees. Eggymess looked back at them from the other side of the river. "Just do something already!" he called. The Entourage snapped back into action. "I have an idea!" cried Poppins. He knelt down and began to untangle the hair on his feet. "Help me braid!" he shouted to Mary and Spam. The three worked away at the hair. Zoe and the others stood near the river, making sure that Afrodo didn't let go of the rock. Airhorn started some cheers: "Come on, Afrodo! You can do it! Put a little power to it!" and "Give me an 'A'! Give me an 'F'!..." Finally, the hobbits were done braiding the foot hair into a fine rope. They tied it into a lasso. Bore Me tossed it out to Afrodo. Thankfully, he caught it and tied it around his waist. Forks that hadn't drowned yet struggled over to the rope and tried to cling onto it. Eggymess took out his bow and arrow and shot them. The Entourage all grabbed a bit of rope and pulled. After a bit (or more than a bit) of tugging, Afrodo was safely on shore, panting as if he had just run a thousand miles. Zoe ran up to him and gave him a hug. "Are you okay?" she asked. Afrodo nodded yes. It turned out that Colette had stampeded as well. At the river, she became afraid and tossed Afrodo off into the water. But all's well that ends well. 


End file.
